I became fixated on the idea of becoming transgender
If I could start my life over again, I would,
And I would choose to be a girl
Originally Published by Pitt through Substack
Have You ever wished that you could be someone else?
I have
If you could be a different person,
Who would you choose to be?
I have pondered this idea for most of my life.
As a child I used to imagine being a girl.
In my daydreams, I looked just like my sister.
Which meant my father loved me the same as he loved her
Have you ever felt trapped inside of your body?
Considering all the problems in your life
that could be solved by a new identity?
When I was 12 I became the victim of sexual abuse
Since that time, I am constantly preoccupied by a fear of being damaged sexually
And the idea of sexual damage becomes intensified by
the implications of social shame
I could be abused, and people might ask
what I had been doing or wearing to deserve that abuse
Have you ever felt insecure about your vulnerabilities?
I have
I am often buffering social encounters by manipulating people.
Keeping interactions off balance is the way that I feel most stable.
Even my genuine interactions feel like prepared stories
What if we could leave all of our scars
and our broken bodies to become someone new?
Would you choose to be born again as a new creation?
Or must we always remain the sum of our past traumas?
I became fixated on the idea of becoming transgender
If I could start my life over again, I would,
And I would choose to be a girl
Life has been difficult for me as a male
So, I have to assume that everything
would be easier if I were a woman
My obsession with transgender took place in six steps.
Step one
I learned to want bad things for myself as a child
Many different adults harmed me,
So I trained myself to love punishment
I harmed myself in preparation of future pain
Step two
I stopped believing in God when I was 17
I was convinced that the Christian story
was a conspiracy to control people
The Bible told me to honor my parents
And I could not reconcile that commandant
Step three
I rejected all Biblical morals when I stopped believing in God
I still considered myself to be a “good person”
Although I never had to define what “good” meant.
In my country, murdering someone is legal so long as they have not been born yet
Step four
I started lying
When I decided God was fake
there was no longer a reason to be honest anymore
Telling the truth was connected to Christianity
In America, professional liars are the most celebrated class of people
Why wouldn’t I lie
Step five
I started lying to myself
Almost anyone can tell a lie
But to be a good liar, You have to convince yourself of your own lies
Otherwise everyone will see through your deception
Step six
I lived in constant shame about my life,
and yet, I lied to myself about feeling that shame
I was ashamed about the fact that I was male
My traumas felt linked to being a man
Shame developed into self loathing
Self loathing pooled into envy
Envy descended into lust
The world seemed to scream at me
“You should have been the other sex”
“Look at everything that you have missed out on!?!”
Wanting to be transgender was a six step process for me
All of these steps were required,
in this order
I love becoming someone else.
I could spend hours customizing my history.
Will my new persona experience the traumas which have made me strong?
Or do I abandon my painful backstory for a new beginning?
What about my vulnerabilities?
Should I trade out the weaknesses that I understand for a set of side effects unknown to me?
Can I ever actually reach that perfect image of my identity?
Or will I constantly chase after “Me”?
It has taken me months of writing
To understand why I cannot become a transgender person
If I am ever accepted by the other sex
I would no longer wish to be the other sex
My own inclusion into their inner circle
would subvert my desire to be in that circle
The pronouns I was seeking become worthless
the moment I am accepted into their definitions
I want to be a woman, because I am not one
If the definition of woman could be altered so as to include me
Then “woman” would not be the definition I am seeking
If the definition of me includes everyone else, than I have no meaning
I was seeking to transform myself because I hated who I was
I hated who I was because I forgot that I was special
I forgot that I was the wonderfully made creation of an intelligent God
The name of Jesus had become a curse to me
so I forgot that His name means salvation
26 brothers and sisters,
think of what you were when you were called.
Not many of you were wise by human standards;
not many were influential;
not many were of noble birth.
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;
God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—
and the things that are not—
to nullify the things that are,
so that no one may boast before him.
It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us wisdom from God—
that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.
Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”
May God be with you
I know he loves us
